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My memories of my childhood are of good times, never realising that I didn't have that much because everyone else was the
same and my family perhaps were a little better off because we owned a car and went away on holidays and out for weekend picnics
etc. regularly.
Because my parents had been born in the west on farms, our holidays in the main were spent camped
on river banks, fishing for trout. My father had friends who owned properties on the Lachlan River and we would set off from
home, usually at night, and travel for hours to our destination where we would set up camp and settle down for a holiday,
a no frills holiday where you had to catch fish or you would starve.
I can remember the rabbits of a morning early,
lined up along the river bank on the opposite side to us, drinking. I remember all the set lines my dad and the rest of the
family would set along the river and the trips up and down by foot to check on them constantly. I remember walking around
with rotton bait in my pockets, and I remember also catching a good size trout when I was very small. Of course I didn't
catch it, the line was set, but I guess my dad told me it was my line, so of course I caught the fish. Those were the days
when you could camp alone, have a whole length of river to yourselves, take your dogs with you and make as much noise or as
little as you wanted. Life was sweet, although of course us kids didn't appreciate it. As we got older we wanted to stay
home with our friends, not go on holidays and be stuck with each other. My brother and I never got along as kids, so we weren't
good mates at the best of times.
Once my father went into his business the weekends away in the bush and the holidays
there ceased. There weren't any holidays for a number of years, money was hard to come by, times were tough. But we had
a new house to live in and my brother and I were getting to the ages when we weren't too impressed about holidays with mum
and dad anyway. However, because I was the youngest, when mum and dad finally found a new place to holiday, on the north
coast by the river and ocean, I went away with them each year. The years went by and I was then old enough not to have to
go fishing all the time with my parents and I spent most of my time swimming. My cousin used to go away with us as his mum
and dad looked after the service station while we went away. So he and I had a great time in the water, getting ourselves
cooked by the sun every day and suffering all night with sunburn. Of course, once I went to work I couldn't always get my
holidays when they did but funnily enough I usually chose to get to wherever my parents were for some of their holiday if
I could.
Life in Sydney in the days when I was a teenager were good times. I remember at night, in the middle of
summer when it was so hot, my brother and his friends, my friends and me and cousins too, would all pile into cars and go
swimming in a river at Liverpool or in the Lake at Parramatta. The water then was pristene, wherever you chose to go, and
we never worried about arriving in the dark, just jumped in and had a great time. The kids of today, and indeed my kids,
never had days like that to live in. There is no way you would put a foot in most of the water around Sydney today, much
less eat any fish you might be unlucky enough to catch.
We mostly all had cars. I had a morris minor before I
was old enough to have a license. My dad used to take me on driving lessons. We would leave after he finished work at night,
his money tin on the floor of the car, and I would drive us out to Warragamba Dam or Wallacia and then back. Dad would sleep
most of the way, snoring away happily. But he knew I was a good driver, I took to it like a duck to water. My car was a
zippy little number, gear change on the floor, and bucket seats. I remember though that the steering wheel would just lift
off if you pulled it. And, on hot days the motor would seize, and I would have to leave the car and walk home from wherever
I was and then walk back when the day cooled down.
My boyfriend had a somewhat classier car, a Zephyr. It was
grey and yellow and had a column gear change. I could drive it with no worries either although he was never as calm and collected
about my driving as my dad was. Years later my kids always referred to me as 'jack brabham's sister' so I guess I must have
driven a bit fast for them too. However, touch wood, in all the years I have had a license I have never been booked for speeding
or for anything else either. I have had a couple of accidents, only one was my fault, and luckily on that occasion I ran
into a guy who took his car to my dad for repairs, so dad fixed it for me free of charge and nothing had to go through insurance.
By the time I had left college at 16 and wanted to get a job, they were hard to find in my local area. I hoped to work
at Parramatta but there was very little offering for office work as most of the commercial business was carried out in the
city. There were no government departments local and there was nothing out my way to bring companies out of the city. No shops,
no amenitites, nothing but small townships and farms.
So I had to think about what I would do and I went the way of
most young people then. I had a choice, try a bank or go to the Public Service. As banking did nothing for me, I made arrangements
to sit for the Public Service exam. I passed and went for an interview, a medical, and 2 days later I was working. I remember
the man who intereviewed me asking where I would like to work. I didn't have a clue. He pointed to my references, all of them
from friends of my father, Police officers and said I might as well go to work for the Police as I seemed to have a lot of
them in my life. So that was where I was sent, to Police Headquarters in the city as a junior stenographer.
We worked
a 40 hour week, 10 minutes for morning tea, 40 minutes for lunch, 10 minutes for afternoon tea (and that included loo breaks
too). Our times away from our desks were monitored. We signed a book when we came in of a morning and all the times ran after
each other, same of an afternoon. We had a man who walked the floors all day checking on our workload. He would come and check
our work, go away and come back with a pile of papers or tell us where to go to pick up work in the building. Everyone in
the building did Pitmans shorthand, the Police officers and the public servants so all the work you copy typed was from shorthand
notes. Everyone could read everyone else's notes. It wasn't a bad way to work actually and a good way to keep your shorthand
going. I eventually was called upstairs one day to the secretary to the Police Commissioner and he asked me if I would like
to work as his assistant, in my spare time, typing personal stuff for the Commissioner. This also involved me taking shorthand
notes so I was happy about that as I loved shorthand and wanted to keep my speed up. I did that job until I left, and quite
enjoyed it. I thought I was pretty smart of course too being selected to do an important job like the Commissioner's personal
mail. I was, after all, only 16 and the youngest in the typing pool.
I worked in this job until I was 18. By that time I had met my future husband (actually met him when I was about
to turn 17). He was my girlfriend's brother and, as my parents were very strict, the only way I got to have a boyfriend
was because we went out as a group initially, with the two of us pairing off eventually. He was almost 4 years older
than I was, and of course I was absolutely swept off my naive feet by this 'older' man. He seemed to be so worldly,
oh the naivity of the young, and I became totally absorbed in him. He was my whole life, he was all I ever
thought about. Previous to meeting him I had a pretty good social life with my workmates, but gradually he eroded into
that time I spent with them and I drifted away from them. We went out occasionally with my friends to Balls and weddings,
but in the main I saw them only at work.
Now of course I see how he manipulated me, then I thought it was the way to go, that he was all that mattered.
My parents weren't too enthused by him, he gambled and drank a lot. The drinking didn't worry me, it was the era I grew
up in, everyone drank on the weekend, everyone drove around in their cars off their faces. I fell into the same routine,
drinking on the weekend, but not driving ......... I never went home drunk though, I would sober up at his parents' home.
No wonder they didn't particularly like me. Again, naivity on my part ..... but all part of growing up. Luckily
I became so ill one night from alcohol that I never really drank much ever again after that night. My boyfriend however
never lost his zest for drinking nor for gambling. Most of our outings were to the trots, greyhounds and races. Weekends
were all taken up with gambling. Occasionally he would take me to the pictures or the drive-in as movies were
something I adored.
I used to go to church each Sunday night with my boyfriend (Spence) and his family - his mother and 2 sisters.
I became involved in the church community and also at age 18 became confirmed in the Church of England. About this time
I decided I wanted to work closer to home, I had a car I loved to drive and I wanted to get off the ratrace trains to the
city every day. So I started to look for work closer to home and scored a position as secretary to the advertising manager
at S.Smith and Sons. They manufactured such exciting things as KLG spark plugs and were into motor racing.
The job I hated, I was in a small office with this guy, the two of us alone. I sat at a desk with my back to him ........
gosh how I hated that. I only stayed 6 months as by this time my father had decided to make his business into a company
and I was the Company Secretary ....... so I decided to leave my less than exciting job and go to one even less exciting -
but - next door to our home. I only had to walk out the gate and I was on the job. And I was earning more money,
all part of my plan to get out of home and get married as soon as I could. Boy did I waste my life, given it over again
today knowing what I do now, I would live it much differently.
So I went to work with my family ....... my brother, my mother, my father. Oh happy days !!!!!!! I found
out that my father, who I adored, was not such a good person to work for and my mother was always a dragon to me, and
my brother and I disliked each other intensely. Silly girl. Our life revolved around the business,
the hours were long for dad and mum - 6.30 am to 8.30 pm and Saturdays and Sundays as well.
I guess my most treasured family memories are of Christmas. We had a big family of relatives and we all got together
at my home on Christmas Day. It was a never-ending day. Once Spence and I got together I spent part of the day
at his home with his family - he would usually arrive to pick me up drunk as a skunk. Funny I never thought anything
about it, just accepted it as being how it was. He and I used to have our holidays in January and spent them with my
parents at Nambucca Heads where we fished, swam and made love on the quiet ....... norty me.
We became engaged on my 20th birthday and about 2.5 months later whilst on holidays with him and my family,
I became ill. When I came home I visited my doctor and found out I was pregnant. My world fell apart, I couldn't
understand how that had happened to me - he had promised to look after me. Again, naive me. So we faced up to
my parents and within a few weeks we were married - in our church, but no white wedding. My dream had been smashed apart,
I never got to walk down the aisle in white - I did walk down the aisle but to a sad song in my heart. Again, if
that had happened to me today, I would have worn white. In 1966 many girls were getting married in the same condition
and lots wore white. My mother never offered me the option - it was just get married as soon as you can - oh my God
how embarassing - how could you have done this to us? I was, laughingly, still on a curfew to the night I was married.
So I went from the world of a young girl who never really was ever allowed to be a child through restrictive parents
and many other issues, to a wife and expectant mother. My wedding night brought it all home to me in a rush, how I had
messed up my life, and I wished I could just go home and find out that this whole thing was just a nightmare. I don't think
I ever loved my husband from that first night of our marriage to the day I left him, in fact I don't think I ever loved him,
I only thought I did ..... and peer pressure made me hang onto him for fear I would be an old maid.
He stopped gambling once we were married, but he never stopped drinking. He came home when he felt like it
at night, usually after the pub closed. We had no phone and I can remember being terrified when my time came close
and I was there at night on my own worrying that something might happen and what would I do about it. My life, married
one, was unhappy but I never told anyone. The saying was 'you made your bed now lie in it'. My parents I
could never complain to they would just say, or my mother would, I told you he was no good for you, I tried to warn you.
So I settled into this life and I tried my best to make it work. I had 3 babies in less than 3 years, the reason
why is simple but best left unsaid here. I have had over the years many issues to work through, much unhappiness to
face up to and rise above, and much guilt about my children and the life I brought them unwittingly into, a life with
an alcoholic father.
So ended my growing up years ........ or did it? I think I'm still growing up today so many years later .........
but I think I am almost there and the little girl has finally come out to play and it feels good when I let her out too.
She has missed a lot that can never be regained. And she has loved and lost two of the most important people in her
life - her maternal nanna when she was 11 and her beloved father when she was supposedly grown up at the age of 45.
Both these losses had a profound effect on the child and the adult woman.
I stayed at home being a mother and a wife for 14 years. Money was tight on only one wage, with a mortgage to pay,
all the bills, and 3 children to raise through the baby years and then put through school. Life wasn't too rosy in the
marriage stakes, in fact it was less than ideal. I built my life around my children and I grew up with them. My
daughter and eldest son became involved in swimming and this gave me a social outlet as they trained every day and raced for
their club and schools frequently. My daughter was exceptional and loved her sport. My son wasn't as keen but
he became his school champion, along with his sister, and they both had a cupboard full of trophies and medals and held records
all over the state. My youngest son was involved in soccer and cricket. So my life became one of total involvement
in my children and the least possible with my husband who never seemed to be sober when he was home.
The December prior to my sons commencing High School (they were just under a year apart in age and the eldest repeated
a year in primary school so both went to high school the same year) I managed to secure myself a full time job. I was
stoked. After 14 years out of a full time job, only having part time work for the 4 years prior to trying to get a full
time job (3 part time jobs at the one time to pay for the kids' sports) I got up the courage to apply for a secretarial position
at Parramatta, attended two frightening interviews and got the word just prior to Christmas that I had been successful.
So began my career back in the workforce. And so began problems at home from my husband because I was now independent,
and worse still, I began to change. This he couldn't handle, this new person that began to emerge.
I worked for Westfield Shopping Centre Management Company and I found it so hard. I hadn't been exposed to an office
like this one before because when I left full time work everyone was so formal. And yet now everyone was known by their
first name, everyone worked as a friendly team. I learned a new language and found I even started using taboo swear
words, something I would have shuddered about once. But it was a case of either sinking or swimming in the environment
I was working in. Mrs Goody Two Shoes could not have survived there. I had to change, I had to either join in or depart
the scene. And so I made the decision, I wanted this badly, I needed a life for myself. I saw staring at me and
frightening me, my future. My children were growing up and finding their own interests, my husband was a hard worker
but he was a hard drinker too. So I either got out there and found a life for me or I was destined to a big nothingness
and to growing old in an environment that I should never have been in.
I learned to love my job, it was exciting. I worked closely with the promotions team, a wonderful group of irreverant
people with great senses of humour. And I found me lurking inside, the me who could relate to these people and enjoy
them endlessly. I met a lot of celebrities, mixed with them, overcame my terrible shyness and introverted nature little
by little.
Things at home were going from bad to worse with my job being blamed for everything. After 5 years at Parramatta
I was promoted to State Secretary and moved office to Burwood. This period was taxing on me. A heavy workload,
no promotional work so no outlet for my personality, and problems at home. I eventually left Westfield to stay at home
as my husband had finally convinced me I was to blame for all our troubles, because I went to work. So even though I
was changing I was still able to be manipulated by him and I threw in the towel as I couldn't cope with the pressure of the
job and the pressure at home. I stayed home for about 4 months. Nothing changed, he still drank excessively, I
was so unhappy. I had given up my freedom for nothing. So I managed to secure a position in an office with another
shopping centre management company and planned a trip away to Queensland with my eldest son to go to Expo (1988) and to the
Barrier Reef.
Time arrived for the trip and I had been in this new job almost six months. I had a phone call from one of my bosses
at Westfield. She was now the National Marketing Manager and had an office in the city. She asked me to come back
and work as her PA on a much larger salary than I was earning. So I resigned from my job, went on my holiday and on
returning started my new job. A lot more travelling but I had plans for my future and the extra income was paramount.
I had decided while I was in Queensland that freedom was paramount for me, I had to escape from my marriage. And on
my return I moved into my sons' bedroom sleeping on a camp bed, and started planning my escape which happened 3 months later.
My daughter who was 21 at the time and my eldest son who was 19 left with me. I rented a house in another suburb
and we moved in. We had the most wonderful 2 years in that home, we always regarded it as the start of our lives.
My youngest son stayed with his father and alienated himself from us almost totally. He drifted around, drinking, throwing
away his job and became a real slob. I could never understand how I had two kids who had jobs and their heads sorted
out and one who was totally mixed up and off the planet. But I took it in stride, he was his own person and I had to
be me.
Once my settlement was made and I received my pittance for 22 years of gaol (marriage) I had to make a decision what
I would do. As the 3 of us had cars we needed somewhere to live where we could park our cars safely, we needed enough
room to move around without living in each other's pockets. So I started looking at options as to what I would do.
I decided to buy land and my eldest son and I agreed to apply for a mortgage and build my dream home. And that's what
happened; we did build our home and the 3 of us moved in July 1990 and so began the next phase of our lives.
My daughter was married 2 years later and moved out, but lived close by. My youngest son started to come and see
us irregularly, unkempt and with a chip on his shoulder. We managed to cope with him without any bad feelings, but he
wasn't part of us anymore. Sad, but that's life.
My beloved father passed away 6 weeks after we moved into our new home. Unexpectedly and sent us all into mourning
that lasted a long time. He was very dear to all of us especially to me, his princess. My mother, who I never
got on with, suddenly became my responsibility as my only brother had long ago moved to Queensland to live and raise his family,
one son. And so began another part of my life weighed down with responsibility of a person that I didn't get on with.
I ended up moving my mother to a home in my street as she wasn't capable of looking after herself too well, and my life then
became one where I did her shopping each week, looked after all her finances, paid all her bills, organised her gardening
to be done, helped with her housework. I felt like I was sitting on a fence and I wasn't sure which way I was going
to fall off by December 1999.
My brother and sis-in-law came to Sydney that December for a few days and I asked them to meet with me to discuss our
mother. By this time she was a handful, not looking after herself at all, and I knew she was in the first stages of dementia.
As she always adored my brother and they were always so close, I told him it was time he took over responsibility for our
mother and that she should move to Queensland and live with him. He had never seen me like I was then, I think he was
shocked. I had always been so capable and yet here I was letting him know in no uncertain terms that I was about to
fall apart.
And so it was agreed our mother would move to Queensland and in February 2000 I flew with her to his home. The
next year was spent clearing out her home here and readying it for sale. This all happened finally and as my brother
and I had joint power of attorney he suggested to me that we split the proceeds of the sale as our mother had money invested,
didn't need anymore, and didn't know what she had or didn't have anyhow. I had power of attorney alone for a number
of years and I knew I could sell her out take all the money and run, legally, but of course I didn't. It wasn't me to
do that, I never took a dollar that wasn't spent on my mother's needs. So here I was facing up to this out of nowhere
suggestion from my brother. I contacted my mother's solicitor and told him what my brother wanted and I was told we
had the right to do whatever we wanted to with the money. So, we split the proceeds. Suddenly I had money .......
that came out of nowhere.
And so I bought myself a brand new car, something I had never had in my whole life. What an adventure that was,
bargaining for all the added features I could get out of the dealer, picking the car I wanted. Exciting for me, probably
boring for anyone who has always had decent cars. I had some work carried out at home, had the whole house re-carpted, had
new curtains made and fitted and went on a couple of short but nice holidays where money was no option. I bought myself
a new computer as well as by now it was a big part of my life which you can read about in the sections on chat.
And the rest I invested.
In 1993 (December) I had left Westfield and temped for a couple of years before scoring the job I'm in now. Things
were starting to fall into place. My eldest son had moved out and gone to live and work in Orange NSW, my youngest son
moved in. I was apprehensive about it but he needed a place to live and his father wasn't an option even though he visited
him regularly.
So that's about where I'll leave this section. The rest continues if you care to read on in the other sections.
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